Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Nothing

Well there hasn't been much going on lately. I feel like I just work...a lot. It's really hard being gone for so much of the day. I was thinking about it, and if I was making sure to go to bed in time to get 9 hours of sleep...that would mean I would only have 3 hours at home after work before I'd need to go to bed. Just three make/eat dinner...spend time with my husband...relax after working all day...go to the store, gas up the car, or do any errands that need done. That's just not enough time for me!

So as you can imagine, I generally don't cook much of a dinner and I never get enough sleep. I just stay up late every night so that I can hang out with Stephen more. And this routine has already started taking its toll on me physically. Over the years I've realized that my body doesn't handle stress very well. I just get sick. Headaches...sore throats...body aches...fatigue...just plain feeling lousy. I've had to give up on goals and plans in the past because I end up just making myself too busy. I always seem to put more on my plate than I can finish!

I just hope I can keep up with everything on my plate this time. There really isn't much there besides work and home life. I should be able to handle this. Sometimes I hate how weak I am.

I've been really feeling like I need something else to do. I feel like I've lost myself...I need to be Susan still. And that means I need to be taking time to do the things I enjoy. I'm really missing acting and the's been hard not having that in my life right now. I never realize how important it is to me until I stop acting. I know there must be plenty of groups I could join or plays I could audition for here in Reno, but there's just not time for me to do anything. It's so hard........


Janet said...

Hang in there kiddo! Sometimes it feels like we have to sacrifice alot as women but one day you can have more time. And at least you get your weekends too. Try looking for weekend things to plays may not always have a lot of practices. Or write or produce your own. Wouldn't that feel great?! I love you!

Amy Christine said...

i know what you mean... sometimes i hate being so weak too.

i was talking to my friend the other day, and i mentioned that i thought all of my anxiety would go away once i graduated. instead, i still have just as much anxiety (if not more) because i have no idea what my future holds. looking back, i would get really anxious and often physically sick about exams, but at least i knew exactly when they were and could plan for them... now i have no idea what to plan for, and it's really unsettling.
plus, now that i'm not in school and not working towards a degree, i feel stagnant. that's unsettling for me too.
i know that's why i've been getting migraines and just haven't felt physically healthy in over two weeks now. but i keep telling myself this is just a phase. i'm sure it will be for you too. sometimes you just have to go through the motions and eventually things settle in or settle down. :]

let me know if you're ever free on the weekends... maybe we can do something to relax a bit.

Anonymous said...

love i feel the same about the lacking of time with the husband.
i have also been feeling the lack of being myself. maybe i sacrifice too much. we just need to try to find a healthy balance. easier said than done right.
i love you. if you need anything let me know.

Elizabeth "Betsy" said...

It's time to update sweetie - so I tagged you on my blog! Get busy - love you! ;)

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